My Dog is a Congressman

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
 

He has his food prepared for him.
 

His meals are provided at no cost to him.
 

He visits his doctor once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
 

For all of this, he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
 

He lives in a nice neighborhood, in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
 

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
 

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
 

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
 

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
 

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
 

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks...
MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN.

 
Signed an American tax payer.

A Letter From A North Dakota Farm Kid At Parris Island

NORTH DAKOTA   FARM KID   in the Marines (PARRIS   ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
 

 

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
 
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
 
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
 
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
 
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
 
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.
 
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes. And the targets don't shoot back.
 
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
 
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

Idiot Sightings

New sign at Wal-Mart!

Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please".

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

   The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

   He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

   Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

   She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

   I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

   The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

   To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

   I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, Couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE, and have babies .

For all of us who are seniors...

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. When babies poop in their diapers, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

---   When old people poop in their diapers, the reaction Depends on who's in the will!

Job Applicant's "Resimay"

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job wat I saw in the paper. I can
Type real quik with one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole
really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru
my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay
me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Resimay

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check, see you on Monday!

Irish Humor and the Minimum Wage

Irish Humor

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer,  received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected  he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit.  He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy. What are the Secrets to Real Wealth and Health? >>> Take a look!

A glass of Wine or A bottle of Water?

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...


And those who don't and are always

Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 liter of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed

More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) – bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer

(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process

Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.



Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service!

For More Health Tip Go To WhyNotBeHealthy.com