The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
Tuesday
Blonde's Year in Review
Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing........
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and st ormed back in the house..
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing........
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and st ormed back in the house..
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch.
Monday
Government vs. Walmart
An interesting perspective...
1 . Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.
2.. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private Employer, and most speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 Years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to Fix the economy.
This should be read and understood by all Americans
Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!
To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,
It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:
The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.
Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.
War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.
The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.
You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??
Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' and their staff (they never read anything) will clue them in on how Americans feel.
1 . Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.
2.. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private Employer, and most speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 Years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to Fix the economy.
This should be read and understood by all Americans
Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!
To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,
It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:
The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.
Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.
War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.
The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.
You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??
Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' and their staff (they never read anything) will clue them in on how Americans feel.
I got a Watch For Christmas
My Neighbors Christmas Gift To Me!
My neighbors next door , two lesbians, asked me what I would like for Christmas.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Lucky Frog and Golf
The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas .."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
"And that
is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas .."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
"And that
is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Tuesday
Early Dismissal Quiz
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Jimmy says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart And will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Jimmy is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Jimmy is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Jimmy is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Jimmy says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Jimmy: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Jimmy says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart And will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Jimmy is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Jimmy is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Jimmy is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Jimmy says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Jimmy: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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