A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."
Thursday
Another good Blonde Joke
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
Monday
Unlimited Music Downloads
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Mafia Don is dying
Old Italian Mafia Don
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his
grandson to
approach the bed; 'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka mychrome-
plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.' The
grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really doana
lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch
instead?' Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in
his voice;'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da
business. You gonnahave a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a coupleof bambinos.' After a slight pause to
catch his breath he continues; 'Somma dayyou gonna comma home
and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.Whadda you
gonna do then .... pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his
grandson to
approach the bed; 'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka mychrome-
plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.' The
grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really doana
lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch
instead?' Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in
his voice;'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da
business. You gonnahave a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a coupleof bambinos.' After a slight pause to
catch his breath he continues; 'Somma dayyou gonna comma home
and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.Whadda you
gonna do then .... pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?
Sunday
Definitions!
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character
lines.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character
lines.
Thursday
Importance of understanding English
Importance of understanding English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
Currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too*
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
Currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too*
Monday
Tax History
Our Social Security
Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social
Security (FICA) Program. He promised:
1.) That participation in the Program would be
Completely voluntary,
2.) That the participants would only have to pay
1% of the first $1,400 of their annual
Incomes into the Program,
3.) That the money the participants elected to put
into the Program would be deductible from
their income for tax purposes each year,
4.) That the money the participants put into the
independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the
general operating fund, and therefore, would
only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other
Government program, and,
5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees
would never be taxed as income.
Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are
now receiving a Social Security check every month --
and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of
the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put
away' -- you may be interested in the following:
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the
independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the
general fund so that Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democrat
controlled House and Senate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax
deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?
A: The Democrat Party.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social
Security annuities?
A: The Democrat Party, with Al Gore casting the
'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the
Senate, while he was Vice President of the US
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving
annuity payments to immigrants?
A: That's right!
Jimmy Carter and the Democrat Party.
immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65,
began to receive Social Security payments! The
Democratic Party gave these payments to them,
even though they never paid a dime into it!
-------------- -------------------- ------------------------------
Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn
around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social
Security away!
And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of
awareness will be planted and maybe changes will
evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully
sure to keep it 'as is'
But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?
Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.
AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE
TERM!!!
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social
Security (FICA) Program. He promised:
1.) That participation in the Program would be
Completely voluntary,
2.) That the participants would only have to pay
1% of the first $1,400 of their annual
Incomes into the Program,
3.) That the money the participants elected to put
into the Program would be deductible from
their income for tax purposes each year,
4.) That the money the participants put into the
independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the
general operating fund, and therefore, would
only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other
Government program, and,
5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees
would never be taxed as income.
Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are
now receiving a Social Security check every month --
and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of
the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put
away' -- you may be interested in the following:
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the
independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the
general fund so that Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democrat
controlled House and Senate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax
deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?
A: The Democrat Party.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social
Security annuities?
A: The Democrat Party, with Al Gore casting the
'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the
Senate, while he was Vice President of the US
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving
annuity payments to immigrants?
A: That's right!
Jimmy Carter and the Democrat Party.
immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65,
began to receive Social Security payments! The
Democratic Party gave these payments to them,
even though they never paid a dime into it!
-------------- -------------------- ------------------------------
Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn
around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social
Security away!
And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of
awareness will be planted and maybe changes will
evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully
sure to keep it 'as is'
But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?
Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.
AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE
TERM!!!
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
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