Cat In The Hat on aging

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.




The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.



They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.



Their lifetime has always included AIDS.



The CD was introduced two years before they were born.



They have always had an answering machine.



They have always had cable..



Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.



Popcorn has always been microwaved.



They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.



They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.



They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.



They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.



Notice the larger type?



That's for those of us who have trouble reading.



P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Just Jokes

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.




It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.




Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...



As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse


______________________________________________________________

Farting on jet fuel


One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!"

"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.

"Really?"

"That's what I heard. Do you wanna try it?"

"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"



So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said.



About that time Jim's telephone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"

"Me too, but I have one question for you."

"Sure, what is it"

"Have you farted yet?"

"Ummmmm No. Why?"

"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"



_____________________________________

Laws related to parents



- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.


- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.


- The choice of a preschoolers best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.


- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.


- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.


- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor!

Who Would You Pick Up?

Subject: test


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box'.


HOWEVER......, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

A real Funny

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her lititle jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door
to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different...

Two Different Versions! .................

Two Different Morals!


OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.


The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.


The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a
video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?


Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing,

'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house

where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'

Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.


Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back

of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.


Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.


The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house

he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.


The ant has disappeared in the snow.


The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident

and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders

who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in the next election.

Robot bartender,

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......


The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tack. He returned and took a seat.. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have?

"A martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".


So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Texas Rangers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....

Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,


"S-o, a-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?"