Best Weight Loss For Men (This is a Joke)

Fast Weight Loss Now

 

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss.

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair

of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing, I finally gave up

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10

lbs. as promised.

 

I  called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her

neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So

for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually

getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover

that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

 

So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the

7-day/50 pound program.

"Are  you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most

rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a

huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running

shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,...

you're mine."

 

I lost 63 pounds that week.

 

Now For The Real Way To Loss Weight and Get Into Your Best Shape!

 

CLICK HERE NOW

Four Guys on a Fishing Trip

Every now and then you get a nice clean joke that makes you laugh and warrants forwarding....   Four guys were on a fishing trip in northern Quebec, and slept two to a tent.   No one wanted to share a tent with Bob, because he snored so loudly.   They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.   The first night, Mike, slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Mike, what happened to you?"   He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."   The next night it was Larry's turn.  In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Larry , what happened to you?  You look awful!"   He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the tent with his snoring.  I watched him all night."   The third night was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.   The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.   "Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.   They said, "Fred, what happened?"   He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  "Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

The Bad Parrot

 Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up
his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made
such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

My magic green hat.

Earlier this year while on vacation to

escape the snow and cold, I passed

through Florida on my way to the

Caribbean cruise.  The day after returning

from my cruise, I wasn’t feeling very well

and decided that I really needed some

medical assistance... and decided to

visit the emergency room at the closest medical facility.

 

Realizing that it would likely be very crowded

and not wanting to sit there waiting for 4-5

hours to be seen, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

 

As soon as I entered the E.R., I noticed that over

3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they

decided that they weren't really that sick after all.

 

I’m believing that MAGIC GREEN HAT cut at least

3 hours off my waiting time.

 

Here's a picture of my MAGIC GREEN HAT: 

 

 

 

 

It also works at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles.

It saved me 5 hours.

 

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering,

I had my choice of any machine, many of which were still running.

 

If you live in Texas, it might cut your wait time

at the grocery store as well.

 

But . . . don't try it at McDonald's.

 The whole crew ran out the back door and I never got my order!

Only A Texan Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

Only A Texan Can Make You Feel Like A Woman



A plane passed through a severe storm.  The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.


One woman lost it completely.


She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.  Then the man from Texas  stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes.


Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.  He removed his shirt.  Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE STEWARDESS

FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE STEWARDESS

     
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
 and  asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a
lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
     
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
               
Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room

at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your

sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and

then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a

couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a

100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a

full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

_____________________

Time to get in to shape 
Go check this out when you want to get serious RESULTS with your weight loss.  

Italian Fire Department

Italian Fire Department

One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory.

In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in

because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers

had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian

fire chief,

'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna

                              do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

An Irish priest in Texas

Father Higgins

 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father Higgins rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Higgins at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father Higgins then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

The Golfer's Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game. His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter

the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline  read: 
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone elses ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Six Affairs

THE 1ST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


THE 2ND AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I

fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'



THE 3RD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


THE 4TH AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, ‘stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' The husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue. ‘Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


THE 5TH AFFAIR

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


THE 6TH & BEST AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

Confucius Says

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls
cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*