To be 8 again! Men Listen Up!

To be 8 again! 

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Judy who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! idiot!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

MALE FAIRY TALE

MALE FAIRY TALE....

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess ‘Will you marry me?"

 

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

 

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and

dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished

and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age

and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End.

Philosopher's Comments

Philosopher's Comments....

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. King David

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sasha Guitry

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

 

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays' Red Skelton

 

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison

 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murray

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

 

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

Now that we are married...

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.
 
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't.

Work versus Golf

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately
became of them.



The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

Died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

Went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

Was released from prison
To die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

Died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
The Bank of International Settlement,

Shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

Also committed suicide

However,

In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
And the winner of the most important golf tournament,
The US Open,
Was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
Died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
At the time of his death..

The Moral: Fuck work. Play golf.

The Extra Seat at the Masters

A man had two of the best tickets for the Master’s in Augusta.  As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next  to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is  incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well,  actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the  first Master’s we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head......."No. They're all at the funeral."

The Fifty Dollar Paint Job

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood .   She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch.  How much will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

 

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

 

 

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

 

 

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

 

 

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

 

 

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

 

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

 

 

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus ."