Lost in a Hotair Balloon

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting  in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. 
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury). 
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. 
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. 
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.

IRS and the Hospital Audit

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy alot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send
them back to the bandage company and every once in a while,
they send us a free roll."

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with
what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

“Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, he went on, "What do
you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and
about once a year they send us a complete prick."

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: " WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you Tomorrow!

Http://WhyNotShareIt.com

New TV Drug Advertizing

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. 

 But this is definitely an exception! 

 

Do you have feelings  of inadequacy?  Do you suffer from shyness?  Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?  Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.  

 

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world  that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. 

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had..

 

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. 

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

 

Side effects may include:  

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. 

 

Warnings:  

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.  The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell  your friends over and over again that you love them.   

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think  you can sing.  

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 

 
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM  soooo,  Bring a Bottle Over & Let’s get Started! 

Be Healthy My Friends
WhyNoyBeHealthy.com

The Extra Seat at the Masters

A man had two of the best tickets for the Master’s in Augusta.  As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next  to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is  incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well,  actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the  first Master’s we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head......."No. They're all at the funeral."

Is There Sex After Death?

Is There Sex after Death ??

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear
was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.  True to
his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have
lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Frank! Are you sure you're in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

	1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
	2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
	3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
	4. A dog's parents never visit.
	5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
	6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
	7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
	8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
	9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
	10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
	11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
	12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
	13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
	14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:  
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.   Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Welcome back to the confessional... #jokes

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. 

 Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

 On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

 On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: “Get out. You idiot. You're on my side! "

50 Shades of Gray

50 Shades of Gray

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,
as his wife moved forwards then backwards,
forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back,
she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding,
her face was flushed,she moaned, softly at first, then began to
groan louder.Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty
scream and shouted,
 -
-
-
-
-
-
-

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park!
You do it, you smug bastard."

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

CHUCKLES  FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

My  husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't. 
----------------------------------------------------For Sale  :Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ----------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage. 
----------------------------------------------------
An old  man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40  years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without  hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife." 
-----------------------------------------------
I  was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line  pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So  which six items would you like to buy?" 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? 
-----------------------------------------------Because  they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.  "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said  . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated  immediately.
----------------------------------------------- 
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting  groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.-----------------------------------------------
Women  and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 
-----------------------------------------------
Three  friends from the local congregation were asked, "When  you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was awonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"  -----------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the  Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And  what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord  replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a  penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a  minute."
-----------------------------------------------
John  was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me  one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course,  John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I  die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I  thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last  breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something  terrible is happening and I have to  talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's  wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling  you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."