Italian Fire Department

Italian Fire Department

One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory.

In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in

because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers

had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian

fire chief,

'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna

                              do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

An Irish priest in Texas

Father Higgins

 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father Higgins rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Higgins at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father Higgins then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

The Golfer's Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game. His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

An Italian MaMa

An Italian MaMa 
Mrs. Ravoli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." 
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony
.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter

the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline  read: 
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone elses ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

More Blond Jokes

A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blonds find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet my hair."

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

"Here boy!" she replies.

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( This one actually makes sense...lol )

An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

The Seven Degrees of Blonde

The Seven Degrees of Blonde

 

 

 

These are good !!

 

FIRST DEGREE  

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 

at 2 in the morning.   The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 

listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 

from here!' and hung up.

 

The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 

SECOND DEGREE  

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 

and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'  

THIRD DEGREE  

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 

angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 

FOURTH DEGREE  

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' 

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

 

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.' 

FIFTH DEGREE 

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

A: 'Is it mine?' 

SIXTH DEGREE  

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 

Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 

Roe vs. Wade was about. 

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'  

SEVENTH DEGREE 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 

reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE 

YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS   A LAUGH TODAY