CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

CHUCKLES  FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

My  husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't. 
----------------------------------------------------For Sale  :Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ----------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage. 
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An old  man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40  years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without  hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife." 
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I  was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line  pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So  which six items would you like to buy?" 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? 
-----------------------------------------------Because  they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.  "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said  . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated  immediately.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting  groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.-----------------------------------------------
Women  and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 
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Three  friends from the local congregation were asked, "When  you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was awonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"  -----------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the  Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And  what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord  replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a  penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a  minute."
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John  was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me  one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course,  John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I  die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I  thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last  breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something  terrible is happening and I have to  talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's  wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling  you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room

at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your

sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and

then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a

couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a

100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a

full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

_____________________

Time to get in to shape 
Go check this out when you want to get serious RESULTS with your weight loss.  

Italian Fire Department

Italian Fire Department

One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory.

In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in

because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers

had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian

fire chief,

'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna

                              do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

An Irish priest in Texas

Father Higgins

 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father Higgins rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Higgins at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father Higgins then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

The Golfer's Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game. His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

An Italian MaMa

An Italian MaMa 
Mrs. Ravoli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." 
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony
.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter

the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline  read: 
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone elses ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!