Welcome back to the confessional... #jokes

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. 

 Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

 On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

 On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: “Get out. You idiot. You're on my side! "

50 Shades of Gray

50 Shades of Gray

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,
as his wife moved forwards then backwards,
forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back,
she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding,
her face was flushed,she moaned, softly at first, then began to
groan louder.Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty
scream and shouted,
 -
-
-
-
-
-
-

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park!
You do it, you smug bastard."

NEW CROP OF IDIOTS

NEW CROP OF IDIOTS

 

Some old, some new, all idiots.

  Number One Idiot

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little

daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would

be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention

that she gave her daughter some ant poison   to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Number Two Idiot

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to

steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a

Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator

beacon   that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the

Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag.";

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he

began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call

the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the   Bank of America   and crossed the street to the   Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo   teller.

She read it and, surmising from his   spelling errors   that he wasn't the

brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his

stickup note because it was written on a   Bank of America deposit slip

and that he would either have to fill out a   Wells Fargo deposit slip

or go back to   Bank of America   .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was   waiting in line back at

Bank of America   .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that

measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40   .

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that

contained another picture,   this time of handcuffs   .

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded

all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of

Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the

cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and

said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him

because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet

and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21

and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address

of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign   .

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six

A pair of   Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, " Nobody move   !";

When his partner moved   , the startled first   bandit shot him   .

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign. ( Must have been Wolverine football players.)

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store

window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the

window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign   .

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight

 

 

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative

office to request the removal of the   Deer Crossing sign on our road   .

The reason: "   Too many deer are being hit by cars out here       ! I don't

think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.";

Take the sign - Please   !

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Stay Alert   !   They walk among us   ...   they Reproduce   ...   they Vote

and a lot of them hold public office

So do you tell him or just stand back and watch what happens?

So do you tell him or just stand back and watch what happens??

 

Reprinted from stuff people send me, sorry no idea who to give credit to.

My magic green hat.

Earlier this year while on vacation to

escape the snow and cold, I passed

through Florida on my way to the

Caribbean cruise.  The day after returning

from my cruise, I wasn’t feeling very well

and decided that I really needed some

medical assistance... and decided to

visit the emergency room at the closest medical facility.

 

Realizing that it would likely be very crowded

and not wanting to sit there waiting for 4-5

hours to be seen, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

 

As soon as I entered the E.R., I noticed that over

3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they

decided that they weren't really that sick after all.

 

I’m believing that MAGIC GREEN HAT cut at least

3 hours off my waiting time.

 

Here's a picture of my MAGIC GREEN HAT: 

 

 

 

 

It also works at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles.

It saved me 5 hours.

 

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering,

I had my choice of any machine, many of which were still running.

 

If you live in Texas, it might cut your wait time

at the grocery store as well.

 

But . . . don't try it at McDonald's.

 The whole crew ran out the back door and I never got my order!

Only A Texan Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

Only A Texan Can Make You Feel Like A Woman



A plane passed through a severe storm.  The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.


One woman lost it completely.


She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.  Then the man from Texas  stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes.


Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.  He removed his shirt.  Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE STEWARDESS

FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE STEWARDESS

     
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
 and  asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a
lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
     
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
               
Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.