Now Lifestyle

Monday

Take the History Quiz

A little history lesson. If you don't know the answer make your best guess.
No peeking - Answer all the questions before looking at the answers.

Who said it?


1) 'We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.'

A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. None of the above

2) 'It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the
few, and for the few...... And to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity.'

A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above

3) '(We) ...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something
has to be taken away from some people.'

A. Nikita Khrushev
B. Josef Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. None of the above

4) 'We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up
a little bit of their own ... in order to create this common ground.'

A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. None of the above

5) 'I certainly think the free-market has failed.'

A. Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. None of the above

6) 'I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most
profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched.'

A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. None of the above


Scroll down for answers

















Answers

(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005

Be afraid, Be very afraid!!

Thursday

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Wednesday

Happy Hunting

Johnny went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like smart kids.

The game warden ordered Johnny to show his hunting license, and Johnny pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"

Then Johnny reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

Johnny reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't Manitoba duck. This duck is from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"

Again the kid reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Johnny "Just where the hell are you from?"

Johnny smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,

"You tell me, you're the expert."..

Monday

Christmas stamp

CHRISTMAS STAMP

How ironic is this??!! They don't even believe in Christ and they're getting their own Christmas stamp, but don't dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property?

US PS New Stamp

This one is impossible to believe. Scroll down for the text.



If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it be this!


REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan Am Flight 103!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia!

REMEMBER the M USLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001!

REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!




Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class
Holiday postage stamp. Bull!

REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp
When purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.

REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know!!!

Friday

More Jokes!

The Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?



(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


(You're laughing aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

Thursday

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Wednesday

Blonde Jokes

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......
and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says,
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday, you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side..."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger,
pushed on her left breast and screamed.
Then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed.
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor or said. "You have a broken finger..."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "Duh, we're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!!!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!!!"

Wednesday

Changed Lives

In 1921, Lewis Lawes became the warden at Sing Sing Prison. No
prison was tougher than Sing Sing during that time. But when
Warden Lawes retired some 20 years later, that prison had become
a humanitarian institution. Those who studied the system said
credit for the change belonged to Lawes. But when he was asked
about the transformation, here's what he said, "I owe it all to
my wonderful wife, Catherine, who is buried outside the prison
walls."

Catherine Lawes was a young mother with three small children when
her husband became the warden. Everybody warned her from the
beginning that she should never set foot inside the prison walls,
but that didn't stop Catherine! When the first prison basketball
game was held, she went... walking into the gym with her three
beautiful kids and she sat in the stands with the inmates.

Her attitude was: "My husband and I are going to take care of
these men and I believe they will take care of me! I don't have
to worry!" She insisted on getting acquainted with them and their
records. She discovered one convicted murderer was blind so she
paid him a visit. Holding his hand in hers she said, "Do you read
Braille?"

"What's Braille?" he asked. Then she taught him how to read.
Years later he would weep in love for her. Later, Catherine found
a deaf-mute in prison. She went to school to learn how to use
sign language. Many said that Catherine Lawes was the body of
Jesus that came alive again in Sing Sing from 1921 to 1937.

Then, she was killed in a car accident. The next morning Lewis
Lawes didn't come to work, so the acting warden took his place.
It seemed almost instantly that the prison knew something was
wrong.

The following day, her body was resting in a casket in her home,
three-quarters of a mile from the prison. As the acting warden
took his early morning walk, he was shocked to see a large crowd
of the toughest, hardest-looking criminals gathered like a herd
of animals at the main gate. He came closer and noted tears of
grief and sadness. He knew how much they loved Catherine. He
turned and faced the men, "All right, men you can go. Just be
sure and check in tonight!" Then he opened the gate and a parade
of criminals walked, without a guard, the three-quarters of a
mile to stand in line to pay their final respects to Catherine
Lawes.

And every one of them checked back in. Every one!

-- Author unknown

Monday

A Fairy tale

Fairy Tale:
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........




But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.

The End

Wednesday

Church Squirrels



There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church,
the Baptist Church,
the Methodist Church,
the Catholic Church,
and,
the Jewish Synagogue .

Each Church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will


In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. But, the squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But, the Catholic Church, came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

For all who appreciate the outdoors, the rarely photographed
South Florida Squirrel.

Water or Wine?

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

Watch Your Step

*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....*


*YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING......* *(not that you would...)*


*AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *


*You open the door.... *

NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *A PAINTED FLOOR!**


KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*

Tuesday

Inflatable Doll

A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter asks: "Male or female?"

Customer says: "Female"

Counter guy asks: "Black or white?"

Customer says: "White"

Counter guy asks: "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says: "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says: "The Muslim one blows itself up."

How Big Is Your Boat?


Picture taken from the deck of an anchored yacht.

Friday

Irish Reason To Celebrate


An Irishman named Murphy went to the doctor after a long illness.
After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I have some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd
give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character,
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head to the pub and
have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more pints. There were eventually approached by
some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He
went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and had a few more pints.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son. I just don't want any of
them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Thursday

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today

Friday

Irreconcilable

Park Your Car?



AMAZING PARKING GARAGE

BETTER NOT LEAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR CAR YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO BACK FOR!!!!!!
This is pretty amazing! Can you imagine all this operates? How do they lock each car in its cubicle for safety. My guess is the mechanism that moves them in and out of the space also locks them in place.
The two photos below were taken at a new parking garage in Munich . The actual space that the facility occupies is approximately only 20% of a comparable facility with the traditional design that is used primarily in the US . Not only is the German structure less expensive to build, but vehicles are also "retrieved" in less time and without the potential of being damaged by an attendant. ?

Pretty Cool, isn't it??

The Spaghetti Affair


SPAGHETTI............A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread.....

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