It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Jimmy says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart And will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Jimmy is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Jimmy is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Jimmy is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Jimmy says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Jimmy: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Tuesday
Saturday
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't
mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question..
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in
a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to
tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay,
okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible
how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Moral of the story? Know Who Your Audience Is.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't
mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question..
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in
a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to
tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay,
okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible
how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Moral of the story? Know Who Your Audience Is.
Thursday
Little Ol' lady Catch Speeding
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: ? "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: ? "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: ? "Oh, I see."
Officer: ? "Can I see yo ur license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: ? "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: ? "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: ? "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: ? "I can't do that. "
Officer: ? "Why not? "
Older Woman: ? "I stole this car. "
Officer: ? "Stole it? "
Older Woman: ? "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: ? "You what? "
Older Woman: ? "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: ? "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: ? "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: ? "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: ? "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: ? "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: ? "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: ? "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: ? "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: ? "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: ? "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Older Woman: ? "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: ? "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: ? "Oh, I see."
Officer: ? "Can I see yo ur license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: ? "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: ? "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: ? "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: ? "I can't do that. "
Officer: ? "Why not? "
Older Woman: ? "I stole this car. "
Officer: ? "Stole it? "
Older Woman: ? "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: ? "You what? "
Older Woman: ? "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: ? "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: ? "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: ? "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: ? "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: ? "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: ? "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: ? "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: ? "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: ? "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: ? "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
You knew it was only a matter of time for these to start coming out:
It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!
The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards...
The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards...
Monday
Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"
Thursday
The Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about..'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'
Don't you just love lawyers?!
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about..'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'
Don't you just love lawyers?!
Wednesday
Cat In The Hat on aging
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been microwaved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Just Jokes
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse
______________________________________________________________
Farting on jet fuel
One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!"
"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.
"Really?"
"That's what I heard. Do you wanna try it?"
"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"
So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said.
About that time Jim's telephone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"
"Me too, but I have one question for you."
"Sure, what is it"
"Have you farted yet?"
"Ummmmm No. Why?"
"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"
_____________________________________
Laws related to parents
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
- The choice of a preschoolers best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.
- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor!
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse
______________________________________________________________
Farting on jet fuel
One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!"
"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.
"Really?"
"That's what I heard. Do you wanna try it?"
"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"
So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said.
About that time Jim's telephone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"
"Me too, but I have one question for you."
"Sure, what is it"
"Have you farted yet?"
"Ummmmm No. Why?"
"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"
_____________________________________
Laws related to parents
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
- The choice of a preschoolers best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.
- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor!
Tuesday
Who Would You Pick Up?
Subject: test
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box'.
HOWEVER......, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box'.
HOWEVER......, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
Friday
A real Funny
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her lititle jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door
to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her lititle jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door
to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Tuesday
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different...
Two Different Versions! .................
Two Different Morals!
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a
video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing,
'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back
of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders
who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in the next election.
Two Different Versions! .................
Two Different Morals!
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a
video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing,
'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back
of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders
who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in the next election.
Wednesday
Robot bartender,
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tack. He returned and took a seat.. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have?
"A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".
So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Texas Rangers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....
Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"S-o, a-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tack. He returned and took a seat.. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have?
"A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".
So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Texas Rangers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....
Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"S-o, a-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?"
Monday
NO Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I worry about you
sometimes!
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I worry about you
sometimes!
Thursday
Joke
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them allHONEYlifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Red........................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them allHONEYlifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Just Jokes
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted..
Now, that's funny..... I don't care WHO you are.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted..
Now, that's funny..... I don't care WHO you are.
Tuesday
Be Thankful
Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today we are thankful that the photographer was not standing on the other side!
Of Wine and Water
Water and Wine
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine...and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer
because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting..
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine...and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer
because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting..
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Saturday
Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!!
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...
Maxine just had to have the last word.
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...
1. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
2. HOW DOES IT GO? ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.....
3. IS ATHEISM A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
MONKEYS AND APES?
5. IS THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE?
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE
SELF- HELP SECTION?' WAS SHE RIGHT WHEN SHE SAID THAT IF SHE TOLD ME IT
WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?
26. IS THE RULE 'DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS' OR 'DON'T PET
THE SWEATY THINGS' ?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN
IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF
'ASSTEROIDS'?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE
BECOME DISORIENTED?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
2. HOW DOES IT GO? ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.....
3. IS ATHEISM A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
MONKEYS AND APES?
5. IS THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE?
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE
SELF- HELP SECTION?' WAS SHE RIGHT WHEN SHE SAID THAT IF SHE TOLD ME IT
WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?
26. IS THE RULE 'DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS' OR 'DON'T PET
THE SWEATY THINGS' ?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN
IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF
'ASSTEROIDS'?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE
BECOME DISORIENTED?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Monday
The 11 th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."
Thursday
Another good Blonde Joke
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
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