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Monday
Mafia Don is dying
Old Italian Mafia Don
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his
grandson to
approach the bed; 'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka mychrome-
plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.' The
grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really doana
lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch
instead?' Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in
his voice;'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da
business. You gonnahave a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a coupleof bambinos.' After a slight pause to
catch his breath he continues; 'Somma dayyou gonna comma home
and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.Whadda you
gonna do then .... pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his
grandson to
approach the bed; 'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka mychrome-
plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.' The
grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really doana
lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch
instead?' Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in
his voice;'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da
business. You gonnahave a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a coupleof bambinos.' After a slight pause to
catch his breath he continues; 'Somma dayyou gonna comma home
and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.Whadda you
gonna do then .... pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?
Sunday
Definitions!
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character
lines.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character
lines.
Thursday
Importance of understanding English
Importance of understanding English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
Currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too*
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
Currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too*
Monday
Tax History
Our Social Security
Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social
Security (FICA) Program. He promised:
1.) That participation in the Program would be
Completely voluntary,
2.) That the participants would only have to pay
1% of the first $1,400 of their annual
Incomes into the Program,
3.) That the money the participants elected to put
into the Program would be deductible from
their income for tax purposes each year,
4.) That the money the participants put into the
independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the
general operating fund, and therefore, would
only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other
Government program, and,
5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees
would never be taxed as income.
Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are
now receiving a Social Security check every month --
and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of
the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put
away' -- you may be interested in the following:
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the
independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the
general fund so that Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democrat
controlled House and Senate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax
deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?
A: The Democrat Party.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social
Security annuities?
A: The Democrat Party, with Al Gore casting the
'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the
Senate, while he was Vice President of the US
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving
annuity payments to immigrants?
A: That's right!
Jimmy Carter and the Democrat Party.
immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65,
began to receive Social Security payments! The
Democratic Party gave these payments to them,
even though they never paid a dime into it!
-------------- -------------------- ------------------------------
Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn
around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social
Security away!
And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of
awareness will be planted and maybe changes will
evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully
sure to keep it 'as is'
But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?
Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.
AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE
TERM!!!
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social
Security (FICA) Program. He promised:
1.) That participation in the Program would be
Completely voluntary,
2.) That the participants would only have to pay
1% of the first $1,400 of their annual
Incomes into the Program,
3.) That the money the participants elected to put
into the Program would be deductible from
their income for tax purposes each year,
4.) That the money the participants put into the
independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the
general operating fund, and therefore, would
only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other
Government program, and,
5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees
would never be taxed as income.
Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are
now receiving a Social Security check every month --
and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of
the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put
away' -- you may be interested in the following:
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the
independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the
general fund so that Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democrat
controlled House and Senate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax
deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?
A: The Democrat Party.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social
Security annuities?
A: The Democrat Party, with Al Gore casting the
'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the
Senate, while he was Vice President of the US
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving
annuity payments to immigrants?
A: That's right!
Jimmy Carter and the Democrat Party.
immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65,
began to receive Social Security payments! The
Democratic Party gave these payments to them,
even though they never paid a dime into it!
-------------- -------------------- ------------------------------
Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn
around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social
Security away!
And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of
awareness will be planted and maybe changes will
evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully
sure to keep it 'as is'
But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?
Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.
AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE
TERM!!!
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
The New US Constitution
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION
'We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them , but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes .
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH SHIT. GET OVER IT.
'We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them , but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes .
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH SHIT. GET OVER IT.
Sunday
Defective parrot
Defective Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intell igent thoroughly educated bird.'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't
have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20 and walks out wit h the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions
him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife
and the postman.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting
her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. ?Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss
her all over....'
The n the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intell igent thoroughly educated bird.'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't
have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20 and walks out wit h the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions
him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife
and the postman.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting
her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. ?Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss
her all over....'
The n the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'
Monday
The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their?dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the? wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the? wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Friday
How Much Is A Billion?
How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?
A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D. C
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to
press '1'
for English.
I hope this goes around the
USA
at least 100 times
What the heck happened?????
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?
A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D. C
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to
press '1'
for English.
I hope this goes around the
USA
at least 100 times
What the heck happened?????
And Then The Fight Started....
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said , 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said , 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
WORDS OF WISDOM TO LIVE BY
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
10. Don't worry -- it only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
10. Don't worry -- it only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Thursday
The Irish Priest
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Moral of the story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.........
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens', said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.........
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens', said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'
The Hospital visit
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
Saturday
Confucius Says
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls
cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls
cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday
BIG NEWS FROM HARLEY DAVIDSON !!!!!!
Harley-Davidson
Is Proud to Be the First Motorcycle Manufacturer
To Offer
AIR BAGS
As Optional Equipment On The
2008 Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
Is Proud to Be the First Motorcycle Manufacturer
To Offer
AIR BAGS
As Optional Equipment On The
2008 Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses ; down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and& nbsp; drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses ; down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and& nbsp; drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
Yes Dear
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such
as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the
truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10
years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch
what it is.
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such
as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the
truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10
years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch
what it is.
Are You The Father of One of My Kids?
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
IN GOD WE TRUST
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
IN GOD WE TRUST
Tuesday
A.A.A.D.D
A.A.A.D.D
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look
over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my
checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really
tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! Beware
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look
over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my
checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really
tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! Beware
Wednesday
A Blonde and her Dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
Monday
CATHOLIC GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was
out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she
ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon gasoline
station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but
she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to
the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan
back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank,
two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she
ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon gasoline
station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but
she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to
the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan
back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank,
two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Sunday
Thursday
Lost Wife at Home Depot
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around Home Depot Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, > with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says.... .. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Most old timers are helpful like that!
Deep Roots of Iraq
Near the bottom--the part highlighted in green--will give you GOOSEBUMPS!!!
You don't want to miss this! ((*_*) )
VERY INTERESTING-
1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel
10. Amos cried out in Iraq
11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the 'writing on the wall' in Iraq
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq
16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq
17. The wise men were from Iraq
18. Peter preached in Iraq
19. The 'Empire of Man' described in Revelation is called Babylon--which was a city in Iraq
And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.
But do you know which nation is second?
It is Iraq!
However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.
The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia ... The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers ..
The name Iraq means country with deep roots.
Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.
No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated
With it than Iraq
And also, This is something to think about:
Since America is
typically represented by an eagle.
Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages ...
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)
Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah;
And there was peace.
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!
This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq .
Pass it on to everyone and pray.
Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM
This is not a joke.
Someone will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you.
Do not break this chain.
Send this to 13 people in
The next 15 minutes.
Go.
You don't want to miss this! ((*_*) )
VERY INTERESTING-
1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel
10. Amos cried out in Iraq
11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the 'writing on the wall' in Iraq
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq
16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq
17. The wise men were from Iraq
18. Peter preached in Iraq
19. The 'Empire of Man' described in Revelation is called Babylon--which was a city in Iraq
And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.
But do you know which nation is second?
It is Iraq!
However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.
The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia ... The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers ..
The name Iraq means country with deep roots.
Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.
No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated
With it than Iraq
And also, This is something to think about:
Since America is
typically represented by an eagle.
Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages ...
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)
Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah;
And there was peace.
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!
This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq .
Pass it on to everyone and pray.
Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM
This is not a joke.
Someone will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you.
Do not break this chain.
Send this to 13 people in
The next 15 minutes.
Go.
Tuesday
Best Come-Back Line Ever
This was recently in the Seattle Paper...
The title of the article was "Best Come-Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor,
59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch
at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing
a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin it's soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around"
he stated in a telephone interview.
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he
felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed
to notice an approaching police car and was
unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.
It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor
and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she approached Aylor.
I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize
that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I
was there, and then he looked me straight in
the face and said.....
A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already!
The title of the article was "Best Come-Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor,
59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch
at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing
a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin it's soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around"
he stated in a telephone interview.
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he
felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed
to notice an approaching police car and was
unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.
It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor
and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she approached Aylor.
I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize
that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I
was there, and then he looked me straight in
the face and said.....
A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already!
Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big
enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid
who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way
without a ticket.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before
he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds
her
class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."
Two bonus extras: A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50
Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blond says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
________________________________ ____________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel
horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
------------------------------
Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big
enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid
who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way
without a ticket.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before
he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds
her
class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."
Two bonus extras: A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50
Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blond says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
________________________________ ____________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel
horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
------------------------------
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