Cat In The Hat on aging

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today.




The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.



They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.



Their lifetime has always included AIDS.



The CD was introduced two years before they were born.



They have always had an answering machine.



They have always had cable..



Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.



Popcorn has always been microwaved.



They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.



They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.



They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.



They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.



Notice the larger type?



That's for those of us who have trouble reading.



P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Just Jokes

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.




It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.




Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...



As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse


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Farting on jet fuel


One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!"

"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.

"Really?"

"That's what I heard. Do you wanna try it?"

"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"



So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said.



About that time Jim's telephone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"

"Me too, but I have one question for you."

"Sure, what is it"

"Have you farted yet?"

"Ummmmm No. Why?"

"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"



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Laws related to parents



- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.


- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.


- The choice of a preschoolers best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.


- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.


- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.


- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor!

Who Would You Pick Up?

Subject: test


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box'.


HOWEVER......, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

A real Funny

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her lititle jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door
to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?