Early Dismissal Quiz

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.


Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Jimmy says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart And will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Jimmy is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Jimmy is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Jimmy can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Jimmy is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.


When the teacher turns her back Jimmy says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"


The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"


Jimmy: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.



She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't

mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the

counter girl the very same question..

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in

a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the

clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man

waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to

tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put

my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her

curiosity gets the best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay,
okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible
how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.




'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Moral of the story? Know Who Your Audience Is.

Little Ol' lady Catch Speeding

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: ? "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: ? "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: ? "Oh, I see."
Officer: ? "Can I see yo ur license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: ? "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: ? "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: ? "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: ? "I can't do that. "
Officer: ? "Why not? "
Older Woman: ? "I stole this car. "
Officer: ? "Stole it? "
Older Woman: ? "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: ? "You what? "
Older Woman: ? "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: ? "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: ? "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: ? "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: ? "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: ? "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: ? "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: ? "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: ? "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: ? "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman: ? "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."


MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

You knew it was only a matter of time for these to start coming out:

It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!



The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5.



What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards...