Socially Unacceptable Humor

Socially Unacceptable Humor 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.  
I said "You're pulling my leg!"

A poor old lady fell over today on the ice. At least I
presume she was poor -- she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.
 
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt.
Do you think I should change dentists?
 
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day; I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. "Mexicans" wasn't the right answer either.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles,
but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I knew, four thousand Muslims friended me!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.

Subject: Restaurant efficiency

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.     Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.      It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.     Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'     'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.     If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'     As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.     I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.     Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'     'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.     By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.        I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'     'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Investing 101

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
 you would have $49.00 today.    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
 have $33.00 today.  If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
 you would have $0.00 today    But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all  the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for Recycling refund, you
 would have received $214.00.  Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
 heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.   A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
 year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons
 of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
 miles to the gallon!
 Makes you damned proud to be an American.