'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their?dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the? wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Monday
Friday
How Much Is A Billion?
How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?
A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D. C
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to
press '1'
for English.
I hope this goes around the
USA
at least 100 times
What the heck happened?????
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?
A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D. C
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to
press '1'
for English.
I hope this goes around the
USA
at least 100 times
What the heck happened?????
And Then The Fight Started....
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said , 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said , 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
WORDS OF WISDOM TO LIVE BY
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
10. Don't worry -- it only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
10. Don't worry -- it only seems kinky the first time.
11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Thursday
The Irish Priest
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Moral of the story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.........
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens', said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was
left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.........
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens', said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'
The Hospital visit
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."
Saturday
Confucius Says
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls
cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls
cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thursday
BIG NEWS FROM HARLEY DAVIDSON !!!!!!
Harley-Davidson
Is Proud to Be the First Motorcycle Manufacturer
To Offer
AIR BAGS
As Optional Equipment On The
2008 Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
Is Proud to Be the First Motorcycle Manufacturer
To Offer
AIR BAGS
As Optional Equipment On The
2008 Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses ; down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and& nbsp; drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses ; down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and& nbsp; drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
Yes Dear
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such
as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the
truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10
years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch
what it is.
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such
as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the
truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10
years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch
what it is.
Are You The Father of One of My Kids?
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
IN GOD WE TRUST
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
IN GOD WE TRUST
Tuesday
A.A.A.D.D
A.A.A.D.D
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look
over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my
checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really
tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! Beware
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look
over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my
checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really
tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! Beware
Wednesday
A Blonde and her Dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
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