A Man Died and Went To Heaven

Running out of time!
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock
move.
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

Four Guys on a Fishing Trip

Every now and then you get a nice clean joke that makes you laugh and warrants forwarding....   Four guys were on a fishing trip in northern Quebec, and slept two to a tent.   No one wanted to share a tent with Bob, because he snored so loudly.   They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.   The first night, Mike, slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Mike, what happened to you?"   He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."   The next night it was Larry's turn.  In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Larry , what happened to you?  You look awful!"   He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the tent with his snoring.  I watched him all night."   The third night was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.   The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.   "Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.   They said, "Fred, what happened?"   He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  "Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

The Best Six Affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

To be 8 again! Men Listen Up!

To be 8 again! 

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Judy who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! idiot!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

MALE FAIRY TALE

MALE FAIRY TALE....

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess ‘Will you marry me?"

 

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

 

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and

dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished

and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age

and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End.

Philosopher's Comments

Philosopher's Comments....

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. King David

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sasha Guitry

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

 

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays' Red Skelton

 

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison

 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murray

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

 

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

Now that we are married...

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.
 
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't.

Work versus Golf

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately
became of them.



The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

Died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

Went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

Was released from prison
To die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

Died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
The Bank of International Settlement,

Shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

Also committed suicide

However,

In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
And the winner of the most important golf tournament,
The US Open,
Was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
Died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
At the time of his death..

The Moral: Fuck work. Play golf.

The Extra Seat at the Masters

A man had two of the best tickets for the Master’s in Augusta.  As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next  to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is  incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well,  actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the  first Master’s we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head......."No. They're all at the funeral."