An Italian MaMa

An Italian MaMa 
Mrs. Ravoli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." 
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony
.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter

the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline  read: 
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone elses ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

More Blond Jokes

A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blonds find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet my hair."

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

"Here boy!" she replies.

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( This one actually makes sense...lol )

An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

The Seven Degrees of Blonde

The Seven Degrees of Blonde

 

 

 

These are good !!

 

FIRST DEGREE  

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 

at 2 in the morning.   The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 

listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 

from here!' and hung up.

 

The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 

SECOND DEGREE  

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 

and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'  

THIRD DEGREE  

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 

angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 

FOURTH DEGREE  

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' 

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

 

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.' 

FIFTH DEGREE 

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

A: 'Is it mine?' 

SIXTH DEGREE  

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 

Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 

Roe vs. Wade was about. 

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'  

SEVENTH DEGREE 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 

reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE 

YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS   A LAUGH TODAY  

Harley Davidson Biker Meets God

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

No More Free Stuff!

The folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks,the folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff.

The folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop, and the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now... The people who are forcing the people who pay for the free stuff have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.

So... The people who are GETTING the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place.

We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff.

Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.

The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 235 years ago. The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff. We have one chance to change that. In 2012. Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.
ELECTION 2012 IS COMING A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!

I'M 100% for PASSING THIS ON!!!
Let’s take a stand!!!Obama: Gone!
Borders: Closed!
Language: English only
Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!

We the people are coming
Only 86% will send this on. Should be 100%. What will you do? 

The Blonde on a Plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO

How many people here believe in ghosts? #Joke

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "From way back there I thought you said Goats."

FINALLY - REDEMPTION FOR BLONDES

       A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him .  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator .  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out .  Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior .   Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them .   Two lessons here: 1 . Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are . 2 . Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think .

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.Check out their new livery!

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too

seriously.Check out their new livery!

 See also the comments of flight attendants and crew listed below.

 Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..
  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
  lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
  examples that have been heard or reported:
   ---o0o---
  On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
  you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
  flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
 furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
  ---o0o---
  On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
  said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
  the appearance of your flight attendants."
  ----o0o---
  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
  belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
  something we'd like to have."
  ----o0o---
  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
  of this airplane."
  ---o0o---
 "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
 as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
  ---o0o---
  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
  ---o0o---
  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
  flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
  the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
  hell everything has shifted."
  ---o0o---
  From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
  pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
  unsupervised."
  ---o0o---
  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
  face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
  before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
  small child, pick your favorite."
  ---o0o---
  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
  we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
  ----o0o---
   "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
  compliments."
  ---o0o---
  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
  attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
  ---o0o---
  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
  pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
  the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
  ---o0o---
  Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
  airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
  ---o0o---
   Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
  bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
  it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
  with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
  airplane to the gate!"
   ---o0o---
  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
  the terminal."
  ---o0o---
  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
  his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
  exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
  with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
  "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
   ---o0o---
  After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
  against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
  bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
  through the wreckage to the terminal.."
  ---o0o---
  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
  you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
  insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
  tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
  ---o0o---
  Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
   the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
  'em, you can smoke 'em."
   ---o0o---
   A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
  intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking
  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
  weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
  uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence
  followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
  and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
  cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
  passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
  mine!"

Final Exam Failure!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

 

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.