Safety in the Skies...

Safety in the Skies...

Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

	1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
	2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
	3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
	4. A dog's parents never visit.
	5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
	6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
	7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
	8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
	9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
	10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
	11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
	12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
	13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
	14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:  
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.   Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Unbelievable and Odd Laws From Around the World

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)  

Puts a whole new meaning on "Baaaaah, humbug!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

Are you wearing glasses to read this?  hmmmm

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England  - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet..

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

 

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

 

 

              Thank you all for reading this.   If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

The Bad Parrot

 Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up
his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made
such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

If you lived in New Jersey

If you lived in NJ

  

If you live in or have ever lived in Jersey...you'll appreciate this...if not, you may be surprised!

  

New Jersey has the second highest per capita income in the U.S.

  

New Jersey has three counties in the top ten U.S. counties by income.

  

New Jersey was the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights (Nov. 20,1789)

  

New Jersey is a peninsula.

  

New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas.

  

New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky.

  

New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba.

  

New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US.

  

New Jersey has the highest cost of living.

  

New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance.

  

New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation.

  

Cartoonist Thomas Nast (Morristown) created the popular image of Santa Claus.

  

New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the "Diner Capital of the World."

  

Home to the less mysterious but the best Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions.

  

North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major ! shopping malls in a 25 square mile   radius.

  

New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.

  

The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.

  

New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns; some of the nation's most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch, Cape May.

  

New Jersey was home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City.

The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on its playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City.

  

And, Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world,

  

Not to mention salt water taffy.

  

New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country.

  

The "Trial of the Century" (the Lindberg Baby kidnapping) was held in Flemington.

  

New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals.

  

Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy.

  

You haven't lived until you have eaten New Jersey sweet Corn.

  

New Jersey is a leader in blueberry and cranberry production.

  

In 1642, the first brewery in America, opened in Hoboken.

  

New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah, in 1940.

  

New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80 percent of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first.

  

New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports (in Newark), Liberty International.

  

George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by  General George Washington. On Christmas Eve 1776 he crossed the Delaware to attack the Hessian troops at Trenton.

  

The light bulb, phonograph (record player), and motion picture projector, were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ, laboratory.

  

We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs.

  

The first movie studio was in West Orange.

  

The first western was filmed by Edison in the hills of West Orange-"The Great Train Robbery."

  

Highest population density in the US

  

Home of the US Olympic Equestrian Team

  

Home to the United States Golf association (Far Hills)

  

The transistor was invented by Bell Labs in NJ

  

The telephone was invented in NJ

  

Samuel Morse's code machine was built in NJ (Morris Plains)

  

The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ.

  

The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ.

  

The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ.

  

New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries.

  

New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!)

  

New Jersey had the first medical center, in Jersey City.

  

The Pulaski SkyWay, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway.

  

NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson (Holland Tunnel).

  

The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra.

  

The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889 (Rutgers College played Princeton).

  

The first drive-in movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they're all gone now!).

  

New Jersey is home to both of "NEW YORK'S" pro football teams!

  

The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong.

  

The Great Falls in Paterson, on the Passaic River, is the second highest waterfall on the East Coast of the US. In 1778, Alexander Hamilton visited the falls and was impressed by its potential for industry. Later as the nation's first Secretary of Treasury, he selected the site as the nation's first planned industrial city.

  

All New Jersey natives: (Actually 'Born, Raised 0r Settled'): Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Derek Jeter Queen Latifah, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn,  Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, The Jonas Brothers, Alan Ginsberg, Yogi Berra, Larry Doby, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Edison, Frankie Valli, Charles Lindbergh, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Fanny Brice, Annie Oakley, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Robert Blake, John Forsythe, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gordon McRae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue,  James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm.Halsey,Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Sammy Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, Brian Williams, Charles Gibson, Martha Stewart, Andrew Fastow (!) and, of course, Francis Albert Sinatra.

  

You know you're from Jersey when . . .

  

You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges."

  

You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

  

You don't put pineapple on your pizza.

  

And, you don't buy pizza at a national "pizza" franchise.

  

You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

  

You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

  

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

  

You know what a "jug handle" is.

  

You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

  

You know that the state isn't all farmland.

  

You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey--there's the shore--and you don't go "to the shore," you go "down the shore." And when you are there, you're not "at the shore"; you are "down the shore."

  

You know how to properly negotiate a circle.

  

You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

  

You know that this is the only "New" state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (try . . . Mexico . . . York .! . . Hampshire-- doesn't work, does it?).

  

You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.

  

Or, ketchup on a hot dog.

  

You don't think "What exit?" is very funny.

  

You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different."

  

You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton--that's for out-of-staters.

  

The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.

  

You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

  

You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

  

Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.

  

You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.

  

You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

  

You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.

  

You weren't raised in New Jersey--you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

  

You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

  

You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel, Bamberger's and Orbach's.

  

You also remember Palisades Amusement Park and Olympic Park.

  

You've had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

  

You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

  

And finally . . .

  

You've NEVER, EVER pumped your own gas!*(I Always Try )


Sent to me and reprinted.... credit to unknown.