The Fifty Dollar Paint Job

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood .   She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch.  How much will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

 

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

 

 

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

 

 

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

 

 

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

 

 

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

 

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

 

 

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus ."

The Lady Golfer

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.   One man   transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

 

At the same time, a   woman joins their Club.    When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team   and   was pretty good.    Mind if I join you next week? "

 

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.    Finally, one man says.  " Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m ." .    He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

 

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

 

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".    She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par   round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.    She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.   Only this time, she plays left-handed.    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.    They're totally amazed.   They can't figure her out.   She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.    They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.     This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.     The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.   However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

 

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.    They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

 

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.    "I like to switch back and forth."

 

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.   From then on, I developed a silly habit.   Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him.   If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed .    I f it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical.    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!

OLD FART PRIDE I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

• Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
• Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
• If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
• Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
• Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
• Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
• It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

  This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
  We need them now more than ever.
  Thank God for Old Farts!

Is There Sex After Death?

Is There Sex after Death ??

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear
was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.  True to
his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have
lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Frank! Are you sure you're in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."