Best Come-Back Line Ever

This was recently in the Seattle Paper...

The title of the article was "Best Come-Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor,
59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch
at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing
a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin it's soft and squishy
inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around"
he stated in a telephone interview.
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he
felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he
commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed
to notice an approaching police car and was
unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.
It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor
and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she approached Aylor.
I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize
that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I
was there, and then he looked me straight in
the face and said.....

A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already!

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big
enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid
who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way
without a ticket.
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before
he
knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck
under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
______________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds
her
class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."

Two bonus extras: A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50
Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blond says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
________________________________ ____________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel
horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
------------------------------

Take the History Quiz

A little history lesson. If you don't know the answer make your best guess.
No peeking - Answer all the questions before looking at the answers.

Who said it?


1) 'We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.'

A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. None of the above

2) 'It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the
few, and for the few...... And to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity.'

A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above

3) '(We) ...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something
has to be taken away from some people.'

A. Nikita Khrushev
B. Josef Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. None of the above

4) 'We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up
a little bit of their own ... in order to create this common ground.'

A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. None of the above

5) 'I certainly think the free-market has failed.'

A. Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. None of the above

6) 'I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most
profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched.'

A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. None of the above


Scroll down for answers

















Answers

(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005

Be afraid, Be very afraid!!

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down
for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Happy Hunting

Johnny went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like smart kids.

The game warden ordered Johnny to show his hunting license, and Johnny pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"

Then Johnny reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

Johnny reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't Manitoba duck. This duck is from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"

Again the kid reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Johnny "Just where the hell are you from?"

Johnny smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,

"You tell me, you're the expert."..

Christmas stamp

CHRISTMAS STAMP

How ironic is this??!! They don't even believe in Christ and they're getting their own Christmas stamp, but don't dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property?

US PS New Stamp

This one is impossible to believe. Scroll down for the text.



If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it be this!


REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan Am Flight 103!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia!

REMEMBER the M USLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001!

REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!



Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class
Holiday postage stamp. Bull!

REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp
When purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.

REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know!!!

More Jokes!

The Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?



(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


(You're laughing aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."