Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End

 An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines  to track man or beast over land, through the air and  under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine...
He had one ear pressed to the white line,  whilst his left leg was held high in the air!

The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...
 "Hey Jacky,"  said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"The aborigine replied,

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a red one… the left front tire is bald...

The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel...

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God Lord man,  how do you know all that?,"  asked one.

The Aborigine replied:...  ‘I  fell out of the fucken thing about half an hour ago!"

Grandma is eighty years old and still drives her own car...

Grandma is eighty years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Family and Friends

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lot of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

 What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach. “
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my girlfriend in the back seat what that meant.
She said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My girlfriend burst out laughing, we were so surprised to see that many people so friendly.
Why even she was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

 I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!


Will write again soon,


Love, Grandma

The New High School Teacher

New High School Teacher

 After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher.

 Just before the school year started, he injured his back. 

He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

 Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

 On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

 The smart-ass  punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,

were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

 Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.         

 With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap.  He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest

 Dead  Silence   .

 The rest of the year went smoothly.

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale "He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter . He's never been out of the yard'

IRS and the Hospital Audit

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy alot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send
them back to the bandage company and every once in a while,
they send us a free roll."

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with
what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

“Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, he went on, "What do
you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and
about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Irish Humor and the Minimum Wage

Irish Humor

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer,  received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected  he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit.  He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy. What are the Secrets to Real Wealth and Health? >>> Take a look!

Life Long Golfing Buddies Going to Lunch

A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts. 
  
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service were good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent. 
  
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money. 
  
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. 
  
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.



Why Not Be Healthy?
Join Our Team!

New TV Drug Advertizing

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. 

 But this is definitely an exception! 

 

Do you have feelings  of inadequacy?  Do you suffer from shyness?  Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?  Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.  

 

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world  that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. 

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had..

 

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. 

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

 

Side effects may include:  

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. 

 

Warnings:  

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.  The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell  your friends over and over again that you love them.   

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think  you can sing.  

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 

 
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM  soooo,  Bring a Bottle Over & Let’s get Started! 

Be Healthy My Friends
WhyNoyBeHealthy.com

Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing...

The New Salesman

A young guy from Upper Peninsula  Michigan moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Ironwood, Michigan."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales from 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in Michigan, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, 
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"


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A doctor's best patient.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.'


The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'


The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.


The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'


But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the ass are interchangeable.


 #WhyNotHealthy?
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A Man Died and Went To Heaven

Running out of time!
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock
move.
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

Four Guys on a Fishing Trip

Every now and then you get a nice clean joke that makes you laugh and warrants forwarding....   Four guys were on a fishing trip in northern Quebec, and slept two to a tent.   No one wanted to share a tent with Bob, because he snored so loudly.   They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.   The first night, Mike, slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Mike, what happened to you?"   He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."   The next night it was Larry's turn.  In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.   They said, "Larry , what happened to you?  You look awful!"   He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the tent with his snoring.  I watched him all night."   The third night was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.   The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.   "Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it.   They said, "Fred, what happened?"   He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  "Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

Philosopher's Comments

Philosopher's Comments....

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. King David

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sasha Guitry

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

 

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays' Red Skelton

 

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison

 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murray

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

 

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

The Lady Golfer

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.   One man   transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

 

At the same time, a   woman joins their Club.    When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team   and   was pretty good.    Mind if I join you next week? "

 

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.    Finally, one man says.  " Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m ." .    He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

 

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

 

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".    She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par   round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.    She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.   Only this time, she plays left-handed.    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.    They're totally amazed.   They can't figure her out.   She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.    They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.     This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.     The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.   However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

 

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.    They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

 

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.    "I like to switch back and forth."

 

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.   From then on, I developed a silly habit.   Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him.   If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed .    I f it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical.    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Is There Sex After Death?

Is There Sex after Death ??

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear
was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.  True to
his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have
lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Frank! Are you sure you're in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Safety in the Skies...

Safety in the Skies...

Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

	1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
	2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
	3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
	4. A dog's parents never visit.
	5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
	6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
	7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
	8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
	9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
	10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
	11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
	12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
	13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
	14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:  
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.   Then open it and see who's happy to see you.