Lost in a Hotair Balloon

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD

WOMAN SHOT IN THE HEAD

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Arkansas, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby super-market to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting  in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. 
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury). 
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. 
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. 
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.

Grandma is eighty years old and still drives her own car...

Grandma is eighty years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Family and Friends

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lot of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

 What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach. “
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my girlfriend in the back seat what that meant.
She said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My girlfriend burst out laughing, we were so surprised to see that many people so friendly.
Why even she was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

 I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!


Will write again soon,


Love, Grandma

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale "He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter . He's never been out of the yard'

My Dog is a Congressman

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
 

He has his food prepared for him.
 

His meals are provided at no cost to him.
 

He visits his doctor once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
 

For all of this, he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
 

He lives in a nice neighborhood, in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
 

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
 

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
 

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
 

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
 

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
 

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks...
MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN.

 
Signed an American tax payer.

Idiot Sightings

New sign at Wal-Mart!

Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please".

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

   The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

   He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

   Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

   She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

   I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

   The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

   To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

   I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, Couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE, and have babies .

For all of us who are seniors...

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. When babies poop in their diapers, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

---   When old people poop in their diapers, the reaction Depends on who's in the will!

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: " WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you Tomorrow!

Http://WhyNotShareIt.com

Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing...

The New Salesman

A young guy from Upper Peninsula  Michigan moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Ironwood, Michigan."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales from 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in Michigan, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, 
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"


Want more time to go fishing? 
Get fit, get healthy and get wealthy   http://WhyNotBeHealthy.com

Confucius Did Not Say...

Confucius Did Not Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
 

Passionate kiss like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
 

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
 

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
 

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
 

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

A wise person does take care of their health.  

WhyNotBeHealthy?

Now that we are married...

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.
 
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't.

An Italian MaMa

An Italian MaMa 
Mrs. Ravoli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." 
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony
.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter

the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline  read: 
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone elses ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Seven Degrees of Blonde

The Seven Degrees of Blonde

 

 

 

These are good !!

 

FIRST DEGREE  

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 

at 2 in the morning.   The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 

listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 

from here!' and hung up.

 

The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 

SECOND DEGREE  

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 

and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'  

THIRD DEGREE  

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 

angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 

FOURTH DEGREE  

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' 

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

 

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.' 

FIFTH DEGREE 

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

A: 'Is it mine?' 

SIXTH DEGREE  

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 

Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 

Roe vs. Wade was about. 

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'  

SEVENTH DEGREE 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 

reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 

and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE 

YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS   A LAUGH TODAY  

Harley Davidson Biker Meets God

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

The Blonde on a Plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO

How many people here believe in ghosts? #Joke

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "From way back there I thought you said Goats."

FINALLY - REDEMPTION FOR BLONDES

       A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him .  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator .  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out .  Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior .   Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them .   Two lessons here: 1 . Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are . 2 . Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think .

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.Check out their new livery!

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too

seriously.Check out their new livery!

 See also the comments of flight attendants and crew listed below.

 Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..
  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
  lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
  examples that have been heard or reported:
   ---o0o---
  On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
  you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
  flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
 furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
  ---o0o---
  On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
  said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
  the appearance of your flight attendants."
  ----o0o---
  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
  belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
  something we'd like to have."
  ----o0o---
  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
  of this airplane."
  ---o0o---
 "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
 as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
  ---o0o---
  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
  ---o0o---
  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
  flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
  the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
  hell everything has shifted."
  ---o0o---
  From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
  pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
  unsupervised."
  ---o0o---
  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
  face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
  before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
  small child, pick your favorite."
  ---o0o---
  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
  we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
  ----o0o---
   "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
  compliments."
  ---o0o---
  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
  attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
  ---o0o---
  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
  pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
  the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
  ---o0o---
  Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
  airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
  ---o0o---
   Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
  bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
  it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
  with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
  airplane to the gate!"
   ---o0o---
  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
  the terminal."
  ---o0o---
  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
  his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
  exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
  with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
  "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
   ---o0o---
  After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
  against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
  bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
  through the wreckage to the terminal.."
  ---o0o---
  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
  you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
  insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
  tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
  ---o0o---
  Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
   the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
  'em, you can smoke 'em."
   ---o0o---
   A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
  intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking
  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
  weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
  uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence
  followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
  and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
  cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
  passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
  mine!"

Great thought to ponder.... After 40 years of marriage...

Great thought to ponder....

After 40 years of marriage...

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

THESE REALLY WORK! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real. lol hehehe




AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


http://www.microbrewathome.com/