Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End

 An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines  to track man or beast over land, through the air and  under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine...
He had one ear pressed to the white line,  whilst his left leg was held high in the air!

The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...
 "Hey Jacky,"  said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"The aborigine replied,

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a red one… the left front tire is bald...

The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel...

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God Lord man,  how do you know all that?,"  asked one.

The Aborigine replied:...  ‘I  fell out of the fucken thing about half an hour ago!"

The New High School Teacher

New High School Teacher

 After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher.

 Just before the school year started, he injured his back. 

He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

 Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

 On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

 The smart-ass  punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,

were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

 Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.         

 With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap.  He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest

 Dead  Silence   .

 The rest of the year went smoothly.

A Letter From A North Dakota Farm Kid At Parris Island

NORTH DAKOTA   FARM KID   in the Marines (PARRIS   ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
 

 

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
 
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
 
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
 
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
 
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
 
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.
 
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes. And the targets don't shoot back.
 
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
 
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

Idiot Sightings

New sign at Wal-Mart!

Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please".

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.

   The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

   He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

   Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

   She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

   I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

   The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

   To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

   I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, Couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE, and have babies .

For all of us who are seniors...

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. When babies poop in their diapers, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

---   When old people poop in their diapers, the reaction Depends on who's in the will!

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: " WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you Tomorrow!

Http://WhyNotShareIt.com

The Lady Golfer

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.   One man   transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

 

At the same time, a   woman joins their Club.    When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team   and   was pretty good.    Mind if I join you next week? "

 

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.    Finally, one man says.  " Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m ." .    He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

 

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

 

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".    She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par   round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.    She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.   Only this time, she plays left-handed.    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.    They're totally amazed.   They can't figure her out.   She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.    They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.     This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.     The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.   However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

 

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.    They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

 

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.    "I like to switch back and forth."

 

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.   From then on, I developed a silly habit.   Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him.   If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed .    I f it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical.    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

CHUCKLES  FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

My  husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't. 
----------------------------------------------------For Sale  :Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ----------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage. 
----------------------------------------------------
An old  man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40  years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without  hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife." 
-----------------------------------------------
I  was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line  pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So  which six items would you like to buy?" 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? 
-----------------------------------------------Because  they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.  "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said  . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated  immediately.
----------------------------------------------- 
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting  groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.-----------------------------------------------
Women  and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 
-----------------------------------------------
Three  friends from the local congregation were asked, "When  you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was awonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"  -----------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the  Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And  what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord  replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a  penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a  minute."
-----------------------------------------------
John  was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me  one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course,  John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I  die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I  thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last  breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something  terrible is happening and I have to  talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's  wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling  you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."