Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...




Maxine just had to have the last word.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...

1. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


2. HOW DOES IT GO? ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,

FLOOR.....


3. IS ATHEISM A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?


4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE

MONKEYS AND APES?



5. IS THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE

ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE?


6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE

SELF- HELP SECTION?' WAS SHE RIGHT WHEN SHE SAID THAT IF SHE TOLD ME IT

WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?


7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL

HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'


11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN

ENDANGERED PLANT?


12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?


13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID

SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?


15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE

RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?


18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW

ROAD SIGNS?


20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER

PEOPLE.


22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?


23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE

HUNGRY?


26. IS THE RULE 'DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS' OR 'DON'T PET

THE SWEATY THINGS' ?


27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN

IT?


28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF

'ASSTEROIDS'?


29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE

BECOME DISORIENTED?


32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

The 11 th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."

Another good Blonde Joke

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money...

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Mafia Don is dying

Old Italian Mafia Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his
grandson to
approach the bed; 'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka mychrome-
plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.' The
grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really doana
lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch
instead?' Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in
his voice;'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da
business. You gonnahave a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a coupleof bambinos.' After a slight pause to
catch his breath he continues; 'Somma dayyou gonna comma home
and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.Whadda you
gonna do then .... pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?

Definitions!

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.



ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.



and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character
lines.