Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.Check out their new livery!

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too

seriously.Check out their new livery!

 See also the comments of flight attendants and crew listed below.

 Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ..
  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
  lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
  examples that have been heard or reported:
   ---o0o---
  On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
  you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
  flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
 furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
  ---o0o---
  On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
  said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
  the appearance of your flight attendants."
  ----o0o---
  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
  belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
  something we'd like to have."
  ----o0o---
  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
  of this airplane."
  ---o0o---
 "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
 as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
  ---o0o---
  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
  ---o0o---
  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
  flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
  the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
  hell everything has shifted."
  ---o0o---
  From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
  pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
  unsupervised."
  ---o0o---
  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
  face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
  before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
  small child, pick your favorite."
  ---o0o---
  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
  we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
  ----o0o---
   "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
  compliments."
  ---o0o---
  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
  attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
  ---o0o---
  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
  pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
  the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
  ---o0o---
  Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
  airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
  ---o0o---
   Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
  bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
  it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
  with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
  airplane to the gate!"
   ---o0o---
  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
  the terminal."
  ---o0o---
  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
  his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
  exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
  with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
  "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
   ---o0o---
  After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
  against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
  bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
  through the wreckage to the terminal.."
  ---o0o---
  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
  you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
  insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
  tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
  ---o0o---
  Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
   the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
  'em, you can smoke 'em."
   ---o0o---
   A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
  intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking
  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
  weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
  uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence
  followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
  and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
  cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
  passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
  mine!"

Final Exam Failure!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

 

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Great thought to ponder.... After 40 years of marriage...

Great thought to ponder....

After 40 years of marriage...

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

Buying American This Christmas

Friends and Family,
Our Economy is in a slump, unemployment is at a catastrophic rate,
there are not enough jobs to go around, so we all need to think about ways to help out/support our friends, neighbors and local businesses during the holidays. This is the best idea I have seen in a while, so please pass it on folks.  I got this from a friend of mine - it holds lots of good ideas!

Christmas 2011 -- Birth of a New Tradition

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods -- merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes there is!

It's time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?
Everyone -- yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local American hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It's appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement.

Who wouldn't appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down the Benjamines on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants -- all offering gift
certificates. And, if your intended isn't the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this isn't about big National chains -- this is about supporting your home town Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn't use an oil change for their car, truck or
motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery and beautiful wooden boxes.  For all the handyman or tools you might need visit B&S (soon to be G&S) on Hudson St., Hackensack NJ.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of light, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn't imagine.

THIS is the new American Christmas tradition.
Forward this to everyone on your mailing list -- post it to discussion
groups -- throw up a post on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section in your city -- send it to the editor of your local paper and radio stations, and TV news departments. This is a revolution of caring about each other, and isn't that what Christmas is about?

Socially Unacceptable Humor

Socially Unacceptable Humor 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.  
I said "You're pulling my leg!"

A poor old lady fell over today on the ice. At least I
presume she was poor -- she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.
 
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt.
Do you think I should change dentists?
 
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day; I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. "Mexicans" wasn't the right answer either.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles,
but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I knew, four thousand Muslims friended me!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.

Subject: Restaurant efficiency

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.     Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.      It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.     Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'     'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.     If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'     As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.     I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.     Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'     'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.     By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.        I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'     'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Investing 101

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
 you would have $49.00 today.    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
 have $33.00 today.  If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
 you would have $0.00 today    But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all  the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for Recycling refund, you
 would have received $214.00.  Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
 heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.   A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
 year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons
 of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
 miles to the gallon!
 Makes you damned proud to be an American.