Lost in a Hotair Balloon

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: " WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you Tomorrow!

Http://WhyNotShareIt.com

50 Shades of Gray

50 Shades of Gray

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,
as his wife moved forwards then backwards,
forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back,
she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding,
her face was flushed,she moaned, softly at first, then began to
groan louder.Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty
scream and shouted,
 -
-
-
-
-
-
-

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park!
You do it, you smug bastard."

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

CHUCKLES  FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

My  husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't. 
----------------------------------------------------For Sale  :Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ----------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage. 
----------------------------------------------------
An old  man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40  years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without  hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife." 
-----------------------------------------------
I  was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line  pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So  which six items would you like to buy?" 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? 
-----------------------------------------------Because  they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.  "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said  . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated  immediately.
----------------------------------------------- 
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting  groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.-----------------------------------------------
Women  and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 
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Three  friends from the local congregation were asked, "When  you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was awonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"  -----------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the  Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And  what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord  replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a  penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a  minute."
-----------------------------------------------
John  was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me  one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course,  John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I  die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I  thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last  breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something  terrible is happening and I have to  talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's  wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling  you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

Just Jokes

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.




It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.




Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...



As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness—when to her great luck, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse


______________________________________________________________

Farting on jet fuel


One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up "Man I really need a drink!"

"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.

"Really?"

"That's what I heard. Do you wanna try it?"

"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"



So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up went to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!!" He said.



About that time Jim's telephone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"

"Me too, but I have one question for you."

"Sure, what is it"

"Have you farted yet?"

"Ummmmm No. Why?"

"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"



_____________________________________

Laws related to parents



- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.


- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.


- The choice of a preschoolers best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.


- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.


- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.


- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor!

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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What were you
thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you
sometimes!