A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't
mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question..
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in
a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to
tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay,
okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible
how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Moral of the story? Know Who Your Audience Is.
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The Spaghetti Affair
SPAGHETTI............A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread.....
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